I'm sorry Cosette

Cosette, I need to apologize to you. I am sorry I have lost my patience with you so much lately. I am sorry for all the unkind things I said about you. And I am sorry I was not the safe haven that you needed me to be. I'm trying to do better and what's interesting is I've noticed you've been trying to do better as well. We will get through this sweetheart. We will. Because you are strong and I am strong. You've given me a lot to think about lately, like the other day at lunch when you were sad and you asked my why you were having to go through all this and I told you that it's called a trial and sometimes God let's us go through trials to help us grow stronger and you looked at me all confused for a minute and then said, "well that's mean." And I know it seems mean to you, it's not fair and it's not fun and it's hard, but hopefully you and I can figure out together how God wants us to grow from this and I know that we will both be stronger because of it. Because this is hard Cosette, you are being asked to go through a lot, and you are wiser than your 5 years because of it. I wish I had taken a picture of the time your doll "got her blood drawn" and you had taken a cotton swab and put it in the crook of her elbow and then wrapped it with a hair tie and it looked just like the many times you have gotten your blood drawn. This last time you went in for the scope the anesthesiologist came out to talk to us as you were waking up and said that you were great and then he said that he could tell you've done this before and are used to it and then compassionately added, "which isn't really a good thing." And it just drove home to me that you really are an extraordinary girl and you are brave and you are good at doing hard things. You are so responsible about your diet and while it's been so very hard for you, you still do it and do it well. Your teachers are often blown away with how responsible and knowledgeable you are about your disease and your diet. You have many people who love you and want to help in any way they can. Like my friends who make an effort to make food you can eat and often go out of their way to buy special food for you. And Grandma Shapiro is coming down once a week to help me figure out how to cook for you. Now if you'd just stop being such a stinker and actually give my food a try that would be great!

Debbie's birth

Well, I'm way behind on blogging but I decided that since all three kids were born before blogging and because they keep asking for the stories of their births I am going to write down their birth stories now so we've got them. So here's Debbie's birth, to the best of my memory anyway...

Debbie was due on May 2, 2005 but came on April 28. It was a reading day for Chad, which was nice, we were worried he was going to be in a final when I went into labor and that would complicate things but Debbie is ever so accommodating and just proved that with the way she came to us. I had gone into the doctor the day before and he had told me before that if I was dilated to a 2 at that appointment then he would go ahead and induce me but when he checked I was only at a 1 so I was a no-go. I came home pretty upset, I was ready to be done and I remember I cried and threw a huge fit and went shopping and cried some more. Then the next morning I started waking up at about 2 am because I kept having to go to the bathroom and I finally woke Chad up at 4 and asked him - now I have no idea why I asked him for this, looking back it was a really dumb thing to ask him for but hey, this was my first kid and I was still pretty much a kid myself so I'm going to cut myself some slack - but I asked him to go to the store and buy me an enema because I was constipated and it hurt really bad. What?? Thankfully Chad was a little more aware of what might be going on because he asked me how often it was hurting and that's when I finally realized I was in labor. So we waited a little while and then got showered and headed over to the hospital at about 6 or 6:30. But the hospital where we delivered had one really stupid policy so when we first got to labor and delivery they put me on an exam table and then hooked me to monitors and just let me sit there in pain. For THREE hours. Because I wasn't dilated enough when we got there so I wasn't technically in labor I guess?? Anyway, I was miserable and Chad was miserable and finally my blood pressure hit high enough (like 193/110) for long enough that they admitted me and gave me a bed and an epidural and can I just say that my epidural was amazing? It took them FOUR tries to get the epidural in right and I was ready to tell them to forget it but I'm glad they got it in finally because as soon as it kicked in I fell fast asleep. It was amazing. Then 4 hours later I was at a 10 and started pushing and after an hour of pushing Debbie was born at 2:24 pm on April 28 at 8 pounds 1 ounce and 19 1/2 inches long. Let me back up a bit though, once I hit 10 the doctor came in and my water hadn't broken yet so he broke my water but when he broke it it didn't come out clear, it was all brown and was really thick and mucky so he decided to call the resuscitation team in to be there just in case Debbie had aspirated the meconium. He later told me that he'd never really worried about it before because he'd never had to use them but decided to call the team just in case and he was glad he did and now he would have them there any time he saw meconium in the amniotic fluid. Anyway, when Debbie was born she had the cord wrapped around her neck and wasn't breathing. I remember the doctor telling Chad to hurry and cut the cord and then I remember hearing the nurses talking to Debbie and urgently saying, "come on, breath baby, breath!" Chad said it was weird to see her all white with her dark eyes wide open but to not see her breathing. Well after a minute of them not being able to get her to breath one of the nurses wrapped her up in a blanket and they ran out of the room with her. That was kind of hard for me, it just wasn't what I expected. It turned out she had aspirated the meconium pretty good (bad?) and they had to go into her lungs and scrape/suction it out and then she was put on the CPAP for about 12 hours. This is the part that I'm not sure I remember quite right but they put her on antibiotics because I think they said she had tested positive for strep b and they also gave her an anti-seizure because they weren't sure, but it looked like she might have had a seizure as well. So that was fun. But she only had to stay in the NICU for a week and it worked out nicely because Chad was able to get all his finals done and then I picked him up from school right after her took his last final and we went straight to the hospital and checked Debbie out and brought her home that day. But now she is healthy and happy and has brought lots of joy and love into our life and we are so grateful for her!

Dear children, you are good

Kids, I'm sorry I don't tell you that you are a good person often enough. Debbie, you taught me a good lesson about this. For a while you and I were butting heads pretty bad and it seemed like the more I tried to guide you, the worse things got. So one night I was talking with Dad about you (which, by the way children, happens every single night) and I was at my wits end and the thought came to me that I haven't been saying many positive things to you. Part of the reason was that I wasn't feeling very kind, but a lot of the reason was because I just thought you knew that you're a good person and I realized that you still need to hear it. So the next day, after a rough morning of many 'battles of wills,' as you were walking out the door I pulled you in for a hug and whispered in your ear, "Debbie, you are a good person. I'm sorry I don't tell you that often enough, sometimes I think it's something you just know, but I'm telling you now. You are a GOOD PERSON." And Debbie, you gave this sweet little sigh and then melted into me and hugged me tight and then after a minute you gave me the best smile and went out to school and I realized that is exactly what you needed. It's really what we all need. We all need to be reminded that we are good and I am trying to do a better job of that with all of you kids. Isaac, you will also give me a grateful smile whenever I tell you that you are good and I just hope I can tell you kids often enough that you will believe me. Because you are good, all of you. Cosette, I'm afraid I tell you least often because right now it's you and I that are butting heads pretty much all the time. I will do better because I realize that right now you are not feeling well and you need everyone to be a little more patient with you.
I love you, all three (and a half) of you!
And remember that not only are you good, but you are good enough always.
Love,
Mom