My happy is gone and I want it back. I've been stressed out and overwhelmed lately and I do not like who I've become as a result.
I'm sick of thinking about Celiac Disease and gluten and worrying about EVERYTHING we buy or bring into the house or that Cosette is exposed to. I'm tired of googling "gluten free" and I'm tired of reading labels. And I know other people are tired of me talking about it, but it's consuming my life lately and I think I'm forgetting how to talk about anything else.
People try to be reassuring, which I do appreciate, but sometimes I think, in our effort to help people feel better, we forget about the "mourn with those who mourn" part of comfort. I've had a few friends who, after patiently listening to my story, tell me something like, "Oh wow Leah, that's HARD. I'm so sorry. Hang in there. What a bummer situation." And I just appreciate those comments so much. Because, while I do realize that "there are so many more gluten free foods available now" and "there are lots of problems worse than having Celiac Disease," this has been very hard for me and I don't feel up to the challenge. It might be manageable and not a big deal to someone who was already in the habit of cooking regularly, but I was not. I hate cooking because you can never please everyone. It doesn't matter what you cook, it's inevitable that at least one person is going to turn their nose up and pout about it being gross. There is no winning when it comes to cooking so why put the effort in? And then with the way I cook there's only about a 25% chance it's going to actually taste good anyway so WHY TRY?? And now here I am without a choice and it's killing me. Not only am I expected to cook dinner every night, I'm also expected to make it taste good on a restricted diet. I am so far out of my league and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trying but I just feel so incompetent, just not enough. This is going to be an interesting learning curve.
So I hope that my children and husband and friends and family will be patient with me while I struggle through these feeling of inadequacy and try to become the mother I know I need to be. And hopefully in the process I can find my happy again.
3 comments:
With Wyatt's health problems, my mom (who can't have gluten, either) keeps saying, "I just keep hoping they'll find out he has celiac so he can feel better!" like that's the easy answer. He's been tested and it came back negative, but it IS a hard lifestyle, and it was not one I wanted, so I totally get what you're saying. We've tried eating that way, but we still can't get it 100%. And I am in your same boat, cooking-wise. Seriously.
Leah, I totally understand your frustration. We switched to gluten-free for our family a few months ago and it has been so hard. I hated reading labels, I hated not being able to go through the drive through when we ran out of time in a day, I hated grocery shopping, and I hated having to tell my kids they couldn't eat what they used to. If you need help finding good, easy dinner recipes or snack ideas, please don't hesitate to ask me. I promise it does get easier.
Ugh... I've thought about you every time I've gone shopping the last few weeks. It really must be hard - not just a difficult change, but also a difficult lifestyle to maintain. I hope that it ends up being a quick learning curve and that it gets easier quickly, even if it's never easy. In the meantime, you go right on talking about it. :)
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