Wednesday, August 3, 2011
It Got Through
So, I get tired of people trying to convince me not to kill myself. I understand why they do it, it's not like you can say to a suicidal person, "Oh yeah, go ahead, no worries!" But their arguments sometimes bug. Like when they tell me I'll just be worse off. That's a favorite for doctor's. But they don't KNOW that!! Who are they, God? You don't know what will wait me on the other side!! So yeah, that one bugs. But then there's the one about how I need to stay here for my kids. I know people mean well, but it's like, don't tell me what to do! And I'm pretty good at rationalizing that the kids will be ok, they'll get a new mom who will be better than me, etc. Well, I think it's partially because I'm beginning to be more 'lucid' (if you will) about life - I'm thinking more clearly, my mind isn't so dark all the time, I feel a little hopeful - that this experience got through to me. [And can I just say, that I love it how we get inspiration in some of the most random places!?] Anyway, Saturday night Chad and I decided to take the kids to see Kung Fu Panda 2 and in it Po (the panda, for those who haven't seen the movie) remembers his mom and how it was that he came to live with his goose dad. The scene is that all the panda's are being chased and killed by wolves when Po was a baby so his mom was running with him and couldn't outrun the wolves so she put him in a box to save his life and then you see her run off with the wolves chasing her. This scene freaked the kids out. Isaac jumped into my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck and held onto me tight and wouldn't let go. At first I kept trying to straighten him out and have him sit forward facing in my lap but he wouldn't let go of me. And somehow, this simple experience got through to me where other people trying to convince me couldn't. My kids love me. They love me even though I'm seriously flawed and it would scar them for life if I left them. Now, I can't say that my mind isn't going to take another dive into hell and give me another dose of suicidal thinking, but I know that for now, I love my kids and I don't want to put THEM through hell. So I guess, as long as I have control, if me being in hell keeps them from going through hell, maybe I'll be a little more willing to live it. I don't know, I can't say what the future will bring, but I hope that I can remember this and be strengthened by it when the time comes again. I love you Debbie, Isaac, and Cosette! I'm sorry that sometimes I'm tempted to leave you and I hope and pray that I never give into that temptation.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
My A-Ha moment was going to my cousin's funeral - he committed suicide and was very convinced that it was for the good of his family and they'd be better off - he even had his scriptures sitting open on the dash of his car in front of him. Watching his elderly parents, his four children, and his wife, pregnant with their fifth and the incredible pain they were and still are going through eleven years later gave me the biggest slap across the face. I realized nothing I went through here on earth would compare to the hell it would be to watch my family suffer and know I was the cause of it.
Leah, I love your words. You really amaze me.
Thank you Tiffany, I needed that. Leah, I love you, I'm glad you recognize your children are the bit of heaven here, I sometimes have bad and tempting moments of leaving and thinking it would be better for others. Not too long ago, I tried. The thing that saved me was images of each of my kids faces particularly Cameron's and Jonathon's but mostly Cameron. I couldn't go through with it, I couldn't put them through it. As much as I thought they wouldn't mind me being gone, as I saw their faces in my mind I knew better. I could corrupt their lives, I could change their success, i didn't wan't to do that, it was not my intent but, that's what would have happened and I saw it in images before it was almost too late. Leah, you aren't the only one who thinks like this at times, keep your happy thought, your kids, and hang in there. You are so blessed to have someone like Chad, I've always knew it. And I also know he is blessed to have you, he wouldn't want it any other way.
Leah! I love you! I am so glad you are still here. I am so glad that your beautiful children have their beautiful mother! No one can take your place. Tyson and I both wish we still lived my you guys and were able to chat with you guys more! We love you!
Post a Comment